The flow of time is something that nobody has control over. Whether you do something or nothing at all, the years will still keep coming, and all you can do is transition with the changes that comes along the aging process. In this episode, Dani Behr and Tara Joseph face their years and talk about what has changed and what has remained the same. They give a reminder about the importance of taking care of your health and body as you age. Dani and Tara also share the experiences they went through during their younger years, and how they discovered the things and people that made them happy and fulfilled.
Listen to the podcast here:
The Aging Process: Getting Old The Right Way
We’re bringing to you another episode here from the City of Angels, Hollywood, where it’s all at, none other than Los Angeles, California. I feel blessed to wake up every day here with the sun shining and the blue skies. Even it is a little bit chilly outside, but there’s nothing that gets your day going and seeing blue skies with not a cloud in it. What about you, Tara? Don’t you agree?
I agree. All the Brits or anyone else who’s ever moved to LA from somewhere else, that’s the first thing they’ll say about why they love LA.
It gets me happy. When I open up my shades in the morning, I see blue skies with not a cloud. I go, “I’m so happy I live in the City of Angles.”
We are blessed to live here.
We feel grateful. What’s this episode about, Tara?
Let’s talk about if we’re blessed to be in our 40s.
Is that middle age? Let’s discuss the term middle age.
You don’t know when you’re middle-aged until you die.
That is true because if you try it at 30, your’re middle-age is fifteen. Generally speaking, it’s typically at 40.
Let’s also say that 40s apparently are the new 30s and 50s the new 40s.
According to who? What does that even mean?
It means that you have a better outlook, “I’m going to be 40.” “I’m going to be 50.” If you’re 40, it’s being 30. Therefore, you should feel better because you’re ten years younger than you thought you were.
No, I don’t agree with that at all.
It’s the mindset, but let’s talk about you and me in our 40s. Have we embraced this decade? I know I’m a few years older than you.
Let’s talk about the number and the perception of the number. Before I was 30, in my twenties, 30 sounded old. As 40 started approaching, I was, “I am really old.” It was quite depressing. When I think of the number it does make me a little depressed. I’m nowhere near your big old 50 coming up, but it will fast approach. I’d be equally devastated at that number coming around quickly. I feel better. When I say got better with age, I have the same amount of energy and I feel as good.
I wouldn’t want to go backward, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t want to relive any of it again. I’m happy that it’s done and dusted. I had a good time. The highs, lows and whatever. I’m happy to keep moving forward. However, the big five-zero seems like a milestone. When you’re 50, it’s ten years to your 60.
Your final trimester is in full effect.
You’re nearly a pensioner.
What do you mean nearly? You are. You get a senior special at IHOP. When you get that free bus pass, you know you’re old.
Do you know what depressed me? A few years ago, I was walking the dog with Alyssa down in Balboa Park and there was this sign up.
Was it, “No seniors allowed?”
Fifty Senior Golfing Event and I’m like, “Are you telling me that I’m nearly falling into the seniors’ category in those kinds of events?” I’m like, “50?” What has happened?
You’ll be getting a free bus pass and lawn bowling before you know it. That’s what’s going to happen.
I’m never going to let my hair go gray.
That’s laziness. That’s not necessary for that age.
I do feel like what you said. I feel good and in shape. What are you going to do? There’s nothing you can do about it. You either get older and you die.
There’s nothing you can do. Time is all we have. We might as well make the best of it. I always say, as long as I can keep everything tight and high, I’m good with that. That has been my goal. It’s keeping the behind as tight and high as possible working out. We may be in our 40s, but as long as our energies are in our twenties and we look like in our 30s, we’re okay.
Not that I’m staring at it, but it looks good.
You can stare at it. I work out enough for you to stare at my butt with pleasure.
I’ll have a good look next time I see you.
It’s definitely the mindset of how you feel, how you look and your energy levels. I can go out dancing all night long. I can watch these 22-year-olds keep up with me. As you know, I do my dance workout classes. I’m in a room full of twenty-year-olds and they’ve got nothing on me.
I’m probably fitter than I was before I moved here. When I was in London, I was a bit of a couch potato. I didn’t move since I moved here. I’m into hiking, walking, and the whole shebang. However, a good role model for me is my stepfather because he is nearly 80 and he is still running around the tennis court. He beats all the men at Queen’s Club in London who are 30 years younger than him. He is so much better and fitter than men nearly half his age. I look at him as an inspiration as to how hopefully I will still be when I’m that age.When you get that free bus pass, you know you’re old. Click To Tweet
You’ve got to keep the body and the mind moving. You’ve got to have a lot of good friendships, laugh a lot, have a good time, work hard and play hard. It’s a balance of everything.
You’ve got to make sure when you clink glasses you have eye contact because what it means if you don’t.
Seven years of bad luck?
If you don’t have eye-contact when you chink with one another, it’s seven years of bad sex.
It’s a superstition. Who told you this?
It’s true. That’s what I heard from multiple sources. Always have good eye contact.
That wasn’t on my priority list.
Moving into your latter years.
It’s not the latter. I’m in my middle years.
It’s latter years, Dani Behr. You’re nearly in your latter years.
Don’t say the number. My children don’t even know how old I am.
I tell people that you’re sitting here in your rollers.
I’m in my hair rollers and my gown.
You still look glamorous but she is in her old lady rollers.
They’re not an old lady. They’re only Velcro because these keep the volume. Keeping everything tight and high. These keep my hair high. I like big hair.
Am I allowed to say you’re in rollers?
You could say whatever you like. I don’t care.
She does look gorgeous but she is in rollers.
I’m in my Velcro rollers and my robe because I felt that when I’m working from home, why get dressed?
People are like, “Why don’t we have video access to this show?” That’s what everyone wants to see.
I look like I’m backstage getting ready for something, but nothing’s about to happen.
You’re clearly going somewhere that none of us know about.
I’m going on a hot date.
Tell me dating in your 30s and 20s compared in your 40s, and I’ll tell you my experiences.
The twenties were all relationships. I met my ex-husband at 26. It was pretty much taken from my entire 30s being married and the kiddie thing. At the end of my 30s, at 38 is when I separated and divorced. For me, it was a whole new era of dating. When you start dating again after fourteen or fifteen years in your late 30s, early 40s and you’ve been off the market for quite some time, especially compared to when you were originally on the market in your twenties it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s interesting because you know who you are, what you want, you’re much more confident, and you feel good about yourself. I did. Maybe it’s different for other people, but I was like, “This is exactly what I want, how I want it, and when I want it.” You feel more in charge and in control. It’s sexy and hotter. I don’t know why. You know what you’re doing by the time you get to that age on what you should be doing by then. There’s something quite mysterious about the unknown and it’s intriguing meeting new people. I find it exciting and not at all daunting. Without getting into too much detail, I had a good time, people.
It wasn’t a cougar type where I was going after twenty-year-olds. No, thank you. No good to me. It was interesting because I was so much more confident with myself. I knew exactly who I was at that point, so there was no bamboozling, coercing me into things I didn’t want to do, and there was no not knowing what to say and how to say it. The confidence level is awesome at our age because we are who we are and it is what it is.
I certainly have been on a journey in my twenties. I was dating men, which was one disaster after another.
Did you have a lot of men that forced you into being a lesbian?
I was looking for the type of men.
Do you think if you found a good man, would you have married a man?
No, because I don’t think I could ever fall in love with a man.
You ultimately have always felt gay inside but you didn’t know it until you experience a whole bunch of bad men and then started asking the question?
I always felt more of an affinity emotionally with women. I could connect more emotionally with women at a higher level. With men, I certainly never fell in love. I don’t think I have the capacity to fall in love with a man. When I speak to some of my other gay girlfriends, they would say the same thing. It’s not about sex or physicality, it’s about the connection. When I was in my twenties, I dated a whole load of men.
I would have thought that it was about sex or what you’re attracted to. It’s more of a mental effect.
I date a lot of men, never got past the three-month mark and always a disaster. I’m in my 30s when I was 32, that’s when I met Tanya, who was my partner of nine years. The second I met her within a month, I was madly in love. It felt right. I remember the first kiss felt like I’d gone home. All of a sudden it was like, “This will make sense.” After Tanya, who passed away a few years ago, but after Tanya, I met Alyssa, all of a sudden it made total sense. In my life, I’ve only ever had two relationships and have gone from one to the other. I’ve only been in love twice. Both of those times are with women.
Categorically, if you’d met the perfect man in your twenties, do you still would not have settled down because there was something missing?
There’s something emotionally. In my 40s, I’ve never dated in the gay scene. I’ve never done that at all.
If you had met the perfect man that you had a connection with and he said, “I’ll have a sex change for you.” Would that have made a difference?
It doesn’t work like that.
Trans is all the rage, so it’s a normal conversation.
It’s not the rage. It’s only becoming more acceptable.
Having sex changes is becoming almost normal.
I can’t imagine that I would probably be with a trans woman.
If he says, “I want to be with you. I’ll chop it off. I’ll get a vagina. Can we make this work?” Would it be a straight no-no or I’ll think about it?
It’s not as straightforward as that, but I’m open to anything and everything. Whatever anyone wants to be is totally fine with me and I know it is with you. I can’t say one way or another if I would ever fall in love with a trans woman, maybe, but I’m married. Let’s not cheat on Alyssa. It’s not going to happen.
I’m asking questions that people think about but it’s quite hard to verbalize.
Let’s look at this. You’re talking about a gay woman who’s married to a trans woman. Nats Getty is married to Gigi Gorgeous. Gigi Gorgeous is a trans woman who used to be a gay man. She’s vocal about it on social media. She spent ten years transforming her body, mind and entire being to be a woman. She starts off as a gay man who became a woman fell in love with Nats Getty, who was a lesbian and now they are two lesbians married together.
This is where I’m a bit perplexed.
Anything is possible.
If you’re a gay man, how come now you’re a lesbian? Even if she wanted to change her own body and identity to being a woman, I understand that, but if you’re a gay man, you’re attracted to men. Wouldn’t she be a woman who’s now attracted to a man? Wouldn’t she become a heterosexual woman?
Maybe I’ve got it wrong. Maybe she wasn’t a gay man. Maybe she was always open to whomever the person was that she fell in love with. I don’t think you can categorize by what sex you are because everything moves. It’s not about being male, female, them, they or he, she.
No, it’s not but people have a type. I can only speak for myself. I don’t think I could ever be a lesbian woman because I like men. I’m attracted to men. I’m not attracted to women in that way. The thought of a vagina is no thank you, it’s not going to happen. A man and all these bits and bobs, yes, thank you much. That’s what I’m attracted to. If I’m with a friend who I was deeply attracted to, and he says, “I’m getting a chopped off.” The attraction would be gone for me.
I honestly don’t know what the situation would be.
It’s quite confusing.
You’ve got to be open-minded to the whole thing. For me, I am unlikely to end up with a trans woman. I’m unlikely to end up with a man or another woman simply because I’m married to Alyssa. If I wasn’t with Alyssa and I met someone who happened to be a trans woman who I connected with, then I would totally be connected irrespective of what their gender had originally been.
If they were a woman that you were attracted to and they went to change into being a man, would you still be attracted, which is what the question is? It’s either you’re attracted to or not.
If Alyssa turned around and said to me, “I want a sex change.” I don’t know the answer to that question. I’d like to think that I’d support her.
Is that because you don’t know if you’re attracted to the man as a whole not her as an individual?
I love her as a person but I would find it upsetting if all of a sudden she said, “Call me Allan,” because I fell in love with Alyssa.
That’s what I mean because you’re not attracted to the man aspect. You’re attracted to her being Alyssa as a female.
I’m attracted to her being female.
That’s what I was confused about.
Let’s go back to the 40s.
I feel in great shape. What has changed for me is simplicity. I’ve put such great value into the simple things in life. That’s something that comes with age. You don’t need all the frills anymore. Simple is sometimes wonderful. The peace and quiet, being in your house alone with no one bothering you. Having a great meal can be so rewarding. Walking around on your own admiring some lovely flowers. It sounds old fashioned and boring but I love watering my plants. That has brought me so much joy. Who would have thought at the age of twenty I’d be there gardening? Maybe it’s those simple joys in life that as you get older, you’ve been there, seen it and done it.
The first thing I realized when I moved to LA, I had never nested before. I nested when I was in LA. I didn’t want to travel so much anymore. I wanted to be a homebody and enjoy the new family that I had. I’m all about a lovely meal. I don’t need to go out to all hours of the night anymore. I’m happy to stay in and be all cozy and watch a movie.There's nothing you can do about aging. You get older and you die. Click To Tweet
I like a mixture. I’d like to go dancing all night.
I also do like a mixture as well, but I don’t need what I used to need.
You don’t have that fear of missing out. When you’re younger, you feel like, “I’ve got to be out because it’s Friday night.”
Do you ever have that thing when you look back at pictures of yourself and think, “What was I wearing?”
I’d say that too. That’s why I don’t do selfies.
I’ve got a picture that I put onto Instagram of myself when I was about sixteen at a bar mitzvah with my mother, stepfather, stepbrother, and sister. I look a sight in a lycra blue sparkly leggings. I had huge eyebrows, ridiculous hair, and a big little face.
That was the fashion in the ‘80s. It was pretty dodgy.
Even looking back at the odd dress from years ago, it’s so different. In ten years’ time, you’ll look back and think, “What was I wearing?”
Hence, why I don’t do photos that often. I’m not of the selfie generation. I remember that I pretty much have been the same size my whole life. I remember that there were a couple of moments where I blew up. One was when I gave up smoking. My metabolism completely stopped and I looked like somebody had shoved an air pump up my backside and blew me up. Unfortunately, during that time, I was doing TV and I looked back on it and I’m like, “My face looked like a chipmunk.” My cheeks are so massive and I look so bloated. I can’t even look at myself.
Another time I was on some contraception pill that the gyne gave me and that also blew me up. I had six months where my face and cheeks looked so fat. I can’t even look at myself. Those are the only times. Obviously, some terrible wardrobe choices. I blame TV stylist for putting me in outfits that they convince you that, “This is all the rage. You must wear this.” You get sucked into these stupid fashion ideas and you know that you’re going to regret it. I try not to look back honestly. Looking forward is the way that I go.
I want to know, do you think I should have a 50th soiree?
Of course, you should. I’m still waiting for my invitation to your house for a dinner party. Forget a soiree.
Have you never come for dinner? I fed you lunch a lot of times.
That’s when we’re working. That’s not socially and having fun. I’m overdue for a dinner party.
Likewise, at yours.
Anytime. I can do that three times a week. It depends. Parties can be expensive. It depends on the budget. If you guys don’t get out much and don’t get to travel, which in your case you do too much traveling, you might not want to go on a trip. You might want a big soiree. For people that are going out much the equivalence, budget and price to throw a party are probably the same as a holiday.
If I had a party in London, will you come?
If you time it around the time I’m there, I may, yes.
That was not the right answer.
I would. You’ve got to give me notice.
I’m thinking that I might want to do something in London.
How about halfway, in New York?
I want to do it in London because that’s where my oldest, nearest, and dearest are. I’m thinking about it. I’ll keep you posted on that. If you can fit it into your schedule, I might send you an invite.
As long I have notice and organize the children, I’m sure I can make it. We’ll have a live show from there. Have you noticed things on your body changing? Have you noticed bizarre hair sprouting? You’ve always been a bit hairy, but you’ve been lazy to the hilt.
I can’t believe you said that.
It’s fine but you’ve been lasered to the hilt. You must definitely see when the odd hair sprouts out of your chin or something. That’s what happens I hear.
When I was a child, I was in Jesus Christ Superstar. I was cast as the hairy Israelite.
The first thing I was ever cast in elementary school was the back end of a horse. I was literally a butt.
That was better than the hairy Israelite. Cut out the hairy. Israelite is fine but not the hairy.
If you’ve been lasered since you’re fine. All I remember of Tara was all the time she was doing was getting waxed. I’m like, “Where are you going?” She was like, “I’ve got a waxing appointment.” I was like, “When?” She was always going for a waxing appointment. I’m like, “How much hair do you have? I don’t even see anything.” She’s like, “There’s none because I’m always getting waxed.” You were there every two weeks.
It cost me a fortune. Alyssa introduced me to laser and it has changed my life.
Your eyebrows are doing well.
Being hairy keeps you warm.
Your eyebrows are good too. You’ve got those in shape.
Whenever I go to London, I go to the beauty salon called Minx, which is in Stratford Road in Kensington. That’s when I get my eyebrows threaded and I get the best pedicures and manicures much superior here, I always find. I wait to get my eyebrows done there.
Do you go once a year to get your eyebrows done?
Three times a year.
That’s not enough.
I do it myself, but to get nicely shaped, I got to Minx in Stratford Road.
That threading is quite bizarre. I’m glad you’ve got your hair situation sorted out. Going back to the question, what have you noticed physically or mentally as you’ve got as you’re approaching 50? Do you see things? My memory is shut. I cannot remember a thing. That’s because my mind is a hard drive full of capacity. There is no more room left for any new data to enter. Therefore, for something new to enter, something old has to leave and be deleted. That literally how works for me, but I remember anything.
I’ve noticed myself in regards to people. When you’re younger, you want to constantly be surrounded by lots of different people. There are certain people that mean a lot to me, and I want to spend quality time with them rather than feeling that I have to fill time with people that I probably don’t mean much to and they don’t mean much to me. It’s quality rather than quantity.
What’s that have to do with your body and mind?
Was this a body question?
Physically and mentally, what do you think has changed, deteriorated or improved with time?
Everything’s got better like a vintage bottle of wine.
You do look the same from years ago. You’ve aged quite well. Thank God for Dr. Payman and all that Botox. We’ve got to get some freebies out of him at some point. Botox is brilliant when you think about it.
I haven’t been in a while.
What’s great about all that new surgical stuff is it’s all sort of noninvasive anymore.
You must all check out up the episode with Dr. Pay.
He’s brilliant and amazing.
He’s got so many tips, tricks and new procedures that are noninvasive. For all of those women who are in their 40s onwards, he’s a great guy.
Forget about the 40s. People are getting it done in their twenties.
They shouldn’t know. I don’t want my daughter to do that.
I know that it’s a bit young and honestly, you make yourself look older. When you see some of the twenty-year-olds that get too much too soon, they age themselves, which is ironic. Hold out as long as possible. I would say the mid to late 30s is a good time to do tiny little tweaks, so you don’t have one big shocking transformation in your 50s.
I went somewhere in London once. I’d never had Botox before I thought I’m going to try it. He’s like, “Tara you need filler.” I don’t even know what filler is. He put filler in my forehead and I’ve never had it done since. I looked like Frankenstein. I called up Alyssa that evening because I was not living there at the time. I’m like, “Alyssa. I’ve had fillers done.” She’s like, “I don’t even know who this person is. You look so horrendous and hideous. I think that I’m going to leave you and not be with you anymore. I don’t want this transatlantic relationship.” I looked so ridiculous.
Why did you put filler in your forehead?
I don’t know. That’s not something that you do know.
You put fillers on the lines by mouth.
I had no idea. I will never do it again. It was right up on my eyebrows. I looked like a Neanderthal woman, and she was not impressed. I’m not going back there. I can’t even remember what his name was but he was on the Kensington side.At the end of it all, time is all we have. You might as well make the best of it. Click To Tweet
We both doing all right for a couple of middle-aged old. I don’t feel old. I feel young, spritely and energetic. It’s all in the mindset. Dancing keeps me young. Having fun, laughing and all those things are a good balance of life.
You’ve got to keep laughing.
Moving the mind and the body. That’s all you’ve got.
I’m feeling lots of good energy. I’m feeling this is a good year for us. Generally, I’m feeling it and I’m sharing it.
You’re going to be one of those cosmic reader types.
I’m going to go to an energy healer.
Go to your cat psychic and your energy healer. Let me know what’s up. We will be back with many new episodes. Go to LaLaLanded.com to check them out. There are a lot of exciting guests coming up as well soon, plus our exciting series of webinars and mastermind classes we’re developing. We’ll keep you posted on how that progresses and keep you posted with any launch dates and when that will be launched. We’re excited about that. Thank you all for reading.
Thank you all. Speak to you soon. Bye.